Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.