I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Uh oh…
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.