I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Living the best life.. 😊
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The Friday File.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
dutch so unserious
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.