Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.