I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito