A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
remember
only for emergencies
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty