There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Livid.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.