Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.