Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
You Might Also Like
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂