“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My teenage children choosing violence
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.