[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Welcome to the stomach
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*