White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?