I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank