Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon