Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”