Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.