Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?