Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.