The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
synchronized noseblowing
twitter users today:
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.