Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
me adding lol on a serious message
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back