Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Guantanamo Bae
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.