if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Don’t touch that.