If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Botany good plants lately?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath