A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?