You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
So the ex texted me
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Yoga Matt
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!