Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
i spent way too long on this
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro