Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’d … I’d rather not.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”