The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.