Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
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My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.