She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.