My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
You Might Also Like
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.