My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Who did it better?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.