Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!