Isn’t
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night