Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
fly smarter, not harder
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick