5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready