I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
You Might Also Like
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
This will teach them to underestimate me
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.