My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Jesus Christ lmao
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.