Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no