oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Have kids, they said
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard