My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
A huge thanks to the person that did this
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t