I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Nice try Hitler
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Customer is always right
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
classic mixup
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.