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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.