Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The 6 types of sex
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
his wife is probably gonna see that
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
This kid will have a bright future.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom