Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*