Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
You Might Also Like
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
monday