A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?