I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend