Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant