MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*lint rolls you awake*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute